[UPDATE]Me [28 F] with my friend(s) [28-33F] since childhood. I'm no longer the hot mess of the group and it's creating resentment, I think. Need perspective.

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Hey! I want to thank everyone that took the time to leave me a thoughtful reply. I sincerely appreciated every last message and read and reread your comments to really internalize some of the advice and mull it over.
A lot has happened in the last few weeks. The weird thing is that most of it is incredibly good stuff, but I’m not feeling great about any of it or myself and I need some more insight. I’m going to describe the events that transpired, but first I want to describe my general mood around them in hopes someone can explain why I might be feeling this way: basically I’ve been feeling a lot of anxiety, sadness, feelings of guilt, feelings of unworthiness, a lack of motivation. Things associated with depression, but I don’t think I’m clinically depressed. I keep playing out fake conversations in my head with Katie on a loop where we reconcile or argue. I recognize this to be destructive.
After the awful series of text messages Katie sent me, I took some time to relax and write out a thoughtful response to her that was not accusatory or shaming.
This is the message I sent:
"I'm sorry that you're upset and hurt, but you need to understand that my memory of that night is different from yours. We were all together at the bar, talking and having a good time. I didn't realize you were too drunk to take care of yourself. I didn't realize anything I had said was the reason you left. There were dozens of other friends there spread out across multiple rooms and we were all catching up and chatting and celebrating a birthday. When I did realise you had left, I didn't consider it odd since you live so close and had mentioned several times about getting to bed. I'm sorry it was not a good night for you.
With that said, waking up to a slew of text messages accusing me of horrible, untrue things was a terrible start to my day and completely inappropriate on your part. I could barely get out of bed after reading all of that. I'm not sure what's at the root of this, but I feel like you're taking out some anger on me that I cannot even pinpoint. I'm going through a lot of things myself and under a lot of stress -- just like you, just like everyone else -- and if I haven't let you in on that fully, I'm sorry, but it's not because I want to keep anything from you but rather because I feel ashamed and embarrassed a lot of the time at the way my own life has gone in the last decade. You're my best friend.
We've been through everything together. I love you and always will no matter how much time passes or where life takes us. I'm always here for you no matter what. I'm working on letting everyone in more, but since my ****ty childhood and the burden of responsibility I needed to take from far too young of an age, it's been tough for me to ask for help or reveal my vulnerabilities. None of that is an excuse, but hopefully just an explanation. If you want, let's meet up for coffee at mine or yours and discuss this further when I'm back from vacation."
Her response was a few lines about her "just not caring anymore and me not realising my own selfishness." I didn't bother responding at this point and just went on vacation.
Well my boyfriend ended up proposing on our vacation and becoming my fiance. One of the happiest moments of my life. We took a couple days to just enjoy our new status before FaceTiming our immediate families to deliver the news, messaging friends, or posting about it on social media to let the rest of our friends and family, especially our numerous overseas aunts/uncles/cousins etc. know.
Except that ended up not happening.
This is when those bad feelings I described started because the first thing I thought about was Katie and her potential reaction. My stomach sank. There was a knot of anxiety in my chest that I'm experiencing again even as I type this.
A few people had commented on my previous post that my new life improvements might be bragging on my part or insensitive so I wasn’t sure if I should tell her? And if/when I did, how?
My core group of childhood girlfriends has a group message that we use to chat and keep in touch. I opened up that chat, and there were a bunch of new messages from Katie who (yet again) had had another horrible date and was on a tirade against men.
It didn’t seem like the right time to announce my engagement so instead I sent her a silly picture of me on the beach with the msg “Babe I’m SO sorry but honestly it’s good you figured out after the first date that he wasn’t as great as you hoped and remember in just a few weeks this will be YOU happy on the beach!!!! You won’t even remember his name by then!!!â€
Katie responded a few minutes later: “I guess so but I won’t have your beach body hahaha.â€
Ok whatever.
Bear in mind: Katie looks great, she isn’t struggling with her weight or fitness or anything.
So anyways I couldn’t tell that group of friends I was engaged. I decided to leave it alone for the time being. My boyfriend and I FaceTimed our immediate family about it but that was it. He was struggling to understand my reticence, but was largely supportive, patient, and loving. As usual.
The next big thing was a launch party related to my career that just happened. I’ve been secretly working on a side business in an area I’m extremely passionate about. The risk of failure is high so I'm super nervous but excited, and I’ve also been lucky with the support of Fiancé and government grants and mentor support which will give me a fighting chance of success. Only fiancé and my brother knew about this. It goes back to my fears about disappointing people and never being good enough. I needed to wait until I had something more concrete than an idea and dream to show for it.
The days leading up to the party I spent sleeping badly and feeling worthless. I would just kinda stare out the window with this impending sense of doom picturing Katie sneering at me if I failed and mocking me at the party. I wasn’t even sure if I should invite her since we didn’t actually talk through or reconcile really from the events that happened in my last post. But of course I had too.
I had a private room booked, and an invite list of 100ish, mostly friends with some industry peers. We still hadn’t officially announced our engagement and thought maybe the launch was the best way to do it after I revealed the whole business I’d been keeping so secret. But then Katie’s reaction was haunting me. Was it okay to do it there? Was it being insensitive to her feelings? I didn’t even want to do the party anymore. My fiancé encouraged me to go ahead as planned.
I wasn’t really enjoying myself at the party even though the turnout was amazing and everyone was just so happy for me regarding the secret business. I felt too nervous. Katie showed up late, which was fine, and drunk/high shortly before my speech. She was being passive aggressive and weird. Resentful I hadn’t told her what is been working on. I pretended not to notice and changed the subject by introducing her to a peer who she then (as usual) began to aggressively flirt with in an inappropriate way. I was internally freaking out.
Went up to make my speech. Thanked everyone for being amazing and made some jokes about my hot mess days. Told the room I had kept the business a secret because of my fear of screwing it up. Proceeded to congratulate two separate friends who had also recently become engaged and then used that as a segue to thank my incredible fiancé and to finally announce our engagement and put my ring back on.
Katie left at some point without congratulating me or saying goodbye.
This is getting long -- but a couple days later a friend revealed to me she had been doing damage control with Katie the whole night from the start of the speech. Katie had been making fun of me apparently to anyone who would listen. She insists I’m a gold digger and social climber. And apparently I should have told her about the engagement straight away. She’s mad I didn’t tell her about the business and etc. She had a freak-out at the guy who wouldn't go home with her. etc.
At this point I don’t want the anxiety of her at my wedding and just want to elope to avoid it.
I don’t know what to do next. I don't know what to say. I don't know if my behaviour is fueling hers or what to believe anymore. But the thought of ending a 20+ year friendship is devestating.
Tl;Dr: I’m not handling things well with Katie who is growing incredibly passive aggressive. Not sure how to curb this.


Source.

Bltches be cray