I [32 M] have been struggling to cope since my son [15 M] came out as gay.

I'll start by saying my son (let's call him Derek) is a great kid. Derek rarely gets into trouble and he's a strong student. He likes sports and is part of a few teams. He loves the outdoors and we've often gone camping/hunting/fishing together. He's always been well liked by his peers and has never had any issues with bullies. Basically what I'm trying to say is he doesn't act gay and therefore I was very blindsided when he told his mother (31 F) and I that he was.
Both my wife and I practically grew up in church and it's a very fundamental part of both of our lives. Of course we're not perfect, we had Derek rather young but we got married before he was born. We've tried to instill a strong sense of faith in all our kids (3 total).
Before my son gay stuff never crossed my mind. I mean, I never thought about gay people. I knew it was wrong, it's a sin and I've always felt that sinning is an active choice. They obviously aren't all that welcome in the church we attend. I never heard of any there. I suppose they'd be welcome if they weren't actively choosing to be gay. Like, sure you're gay, but don't act on it or whatever. I feel they'd be welcome if they were looking for help to control urges or what have you... this is a very uncomfortable topic of me...
My wife handled the news okay I suppose. She cried a lot. She told Derek she still loved him, but she also felt it was inappropriate for him to stay in the house with his younger brothers until the situation could be properly addressed. I thought this was a little ridiculous and it really upset Derek. I know Derek, I obviously don't know everything, but I know he'd never hurt/molest his siblings.
My wife wanted him to stay with his grandparents, but I was firmly against it. I won that battle, but without my knowledge she had our son taken out of his sports teams at school. He loves wrestling and football, but she thinks he's playing for the wrong reasons. She thinks it's sexual for him which is just gross. She thinks he shouldn't be allowed in the locker rooms with the other boys because he'll be looking at them.
This put a big rift in our relationship. A kid, a boy especially needs these outlets. He's good at them and frankly I loved watching and would go to every match/game I could attend. I felt very proud of him, but she's turned it into such a dirty thing
She started saying negative things to Derek. Saying things like being gay is wrong, he's going to go to hell, he needs to pray. He needs to ask God's forgiveness. He can't ever act on his urges. She kept telling him that if he just tries really hard he can still be normal, he can learn to like girls. He can grow up and have a wife one day if that's what he really wants. Well, I did a lot of reading online and I don't believe that. I think he is what he is.
Every year the first week Derek's done school just the two of us go camping. This year wasn't any different. Except he told me a lot of personal stuff. He says he hates what he is, he feels gross and dirty. Nobody at school knows because he's too embarrassed. He doubts they'd accept him. He says he's very unhappy. He says that sometimes he feels like he wants to die.
This... this ****ing scares the **** out of me. I need my son to be happy like I need food and water. I've read a lot online about kids like him killing themselves. That would ruin me. I have the strongest urge to just run away with him. Find him a new school (his is in a Christian private school), a new church that is gay friendly, new sports teams... just a new everything.
I've begun to feel like I hate my wife. I hate how she looks at Derek. I hate how she talks to him. I feel pure rage when I see her. She's making everything worse and I honestly feel violent around her, like I really just want to hurt her so she'll shut up. I can't stand her at this point.
I feel like I know what needs to be done, but I also have two other kids to worry about as well. But I've really been thinking that I must leave my wife and take Derek elsewhere.
It devastates me to think how unhappy my boy is. However, I feel a lot of the same things my wife does. I don't like that he's gay. I wish that he wasn't. It's the last thing I'd ever want for my son. The difference between my wife and I is I'd never voice these thoughts, especially to Derek. As I said, he is what is, there's no changing him. There's no "praying the gay away". I firmly believe God set him on this path for a reason. And ultimately I want him to fall in love and have companionship with someone else, even if that means it's a guy.
I'm just really struggling. At times I feel like I'm losing my damn mind. I'm terrified of leaving my wife, but at the same time I'm terrified if I don't. I desperately need some outside perspective.
What the hell do I do? Where do I even begin to help Derek? How do I help myself?

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tl;dr: My son is gay. My wife is making everything worse. Really need advice and outside perspective.


Source.

Don't bend over in front of him and you'll be fine....

I've read a lot online about kids like him killing themselves.

That's what i would be worried about, especially if his mother is treating him like you say she is. That's not good at all. 15 is a hard age anyway, add being gay and having no one to talk to about it...leads to 13 Reasons Why plot.

Divorce the wife and you and your son move on to a better life. Being gay is who he is and it needs to be accepted and respected.

Agree...except for the divorce part. I mean I would definitely let her know that she is supposed to love him unconditionally and stand by him (unless he's harming himself or others). She is just dealing the best way she knows how. I would only divorce her if she insisted on mentally abusing my son after we talked about it.

You have to except it and love him anyways. I have a gay nephew. It was hard to handle at first but no it's no biggie.



P.s. he has shown me some of the guys on gay dating sites and omg, you'd never would guess.