An escalotor can never break: It can only become stairs. You should never see an "Escalotor Temporaraily Out of Service" sign, just "Escalator Temporaraily Stairs.... SORRY for the inconvenience" "Mitch Hedberg*

"The problem with the rat race is whether you win or lose, you still come out a rat."
-Lilly Tomlin

When I walk, people try to hand me out flyers, and when someone tries to hand me out a flyer, it"s kinda like they're saying 'here you throw this away' * Mitch Hedberg *

I brought a doanut and they gave me a reciept for the doanut, I don't need a reciept for the doanut. I'll just give you the money and you give me the doanut. END OF TRANSACTION, We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. *Mitch Hedberg*

@Zilya777: dear maths plz grow up nd solve ur problems by ur own

@Zilya777: i m in a desperate need of 6 mnths holiday twice a year.

Every Mc Donald's commercial ends the same way: Prices and partication may vary. I wanna open a Mc Donald's and not participate in anything. I wanna be a stubbon Mc Donald's owner. "Cheezeburgers? Nope! We got spaghetti and blankets!" * Mitch Hedberg *

Comedy clubs have brick walls behind every performer. Bricks make you funny. When i'm in front of a fireplace i'm hilarious. *Mitch Hedberg*

I'm of the mindset that most who have kids are, which is, "Hey I want another me. I like me. I'm pretty cool, and i've got really great ideas, and the way I think is the right way to think. Let's put another one of me out there" So i'll have a kid one day. * David Cross *

The problem with vampires is they look like they'er 20, but actually 100yrs old. So you'll be dating this hot, young guy who grew up in the Great Depression and hates Irish people. And then you take him out to a nightclub, and he's doing the Charleston. Or you think he's cheating on you, so you go through his journal... Your like "who the hell is this sl*t ? Harrirt Tubman? Who the f*ck is that?" *Whitney Cummings*