I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let go, then you hear a whole lot of jokes at once. *Mitch Hedberg*

I saw a study that said one out of ten people are gay. I've had sex with ten people. That really weirds me out, because, statistically, that means that at least one of those guys was probably gay *Nat Boime*

@Zilya777: behind a great man there is a women rolling her eyes

@Zilya777: weather forecast for tonight:-dark

Everyone should have kids they are the greatest joy in the world. But they are TERRORISTS. You"ll realize this as soon as they are born and they start using sleep deprivation to break you. *Ray Romano*

One time Bill Murrey came up to me at Wendy's, took a fry off my tray, ate it, looked me in the eyes and said 'no one will ever believe you' *David Zucker*

I like to play blackjack. Im not addicted to gambling. Im addicted to sitting in a semi-circle. *Mitch Hedberg*

I don't have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks stuff. *Mitch Hedburg*

I like rice. Rice is great when your really hungry and you want to eat 2,000 of something. *Mitch Hedburg*

Magicians disappear all the time, but if a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. "Tom's gone!", "Is he a magician?" , "No", "Then let's print up some flyers!" *Mitch Hedberg*