Some people think if the glass as half full. Some people think of the glass as half empty. I think of the glass as too big. *George Carlin*

Im at an age where I want two girls.. In case I fall asleep, they will have someone to talk to. *Rodney Dangerfield*

lol this is funny, they would only risk for the truffles, not even the oil!!! which sounds more reasonable

lool that got me off guard, never did think of it that way, so the important thing is for the woman to accept these standards and you are home and dry :-)

I think Bigfoot is blurry, that the problem. It is not the photographers fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. ' There's a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside' ' Look out, he's fuzzy, let's get out of here' *Mitch Hedburg*

I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar in a store sometimes I will drop it so it will teach it's maximim flavor potential. *Mitch Hedberg*

A lollipop is a cross between hard candy and garbage. *Mitch Hedberg*

I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible. *Mitch Hedberg*

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. 'Give me your money or I will give you a dimple! ' I will be rich, you will be cute, we both win. *Mitch Hedberg*

My friend asked me if I want a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana for later, so yeah' *Mitch Hedberg*