My (29f) husband (29m) suddenly changed his personality a year into our marriage. What do I do?

Long post with long history. For context, my husband J and I have been together 10 years, married 3, and we?re both engineers (hence the ?technical? username). We had a wonderful relationship with sure some conflict but conflict we spoke about openly and resolved (example: whose family do we visit for Christmas?) I always knew J?s mom died when he was a baby and his dad didn?t talk about it, but he has a good relationship with his stepmom and sisters, so I didn?t worry.
Before we got married J was an awesome guy and my favorite adventure friend. We?d travel, hike, ski etc. Then during Covid we had to slow some of this down and around the same time he found out his dad lied to him about his mom?s family that they were horrible and mostly dead. Well, it turns out that?s not true. She had living siblings, parents, and cousins who were nice and interested in a relationship with J. But right before our wedding he didn?t want the pressure of a big event to have them suddenly in his life, so I agreed we?d continue to get to know them after.
1.5 years after our wedding he was still super fun but suddenly started having massive tantrums where he would yell and break/throw things and slam doors which increased in frequency from never to about monthly over the next year. He also stopped doing mental labor to plan things as much but also to repair the trust and relationship after this.
Now I admit, my response was sometimes successful, other times not so much. Sometimes I didn?t accept his apology because I thought he was just going through motions. Sometimes I must have seemed demanding when I explained the steps and reassurance that would help. But the worst part of my role was when his outbursts were truly terrifying for me (despite trying to just walk away or ask for kindness/patience to deescalate) I resorted to name calling because it was the only physically peaceful thing I found that shocked him enough for him to pause.
He went to anger management after we tried therapy and the therapist referred him to an anger problem. Since then he?s been embarrassed to go to therapy. But, he said it was a ?him? problem and worked on it independently. Now he?s finally stopped the scary and embarrassing slamming things but just refuses to look at me and speaks really harshly in a quieter tantrum where he catastrophizes our life to me when he?s in a bad mood. This change wasn?t that helpful because now I?m just uncomfortable and walking on eggshells. I used to be able to talk with him about anything.
Now suddenly, he says my criticism of his character surrounding his tantrums and his resilience/participating in our lives caused this. Both of these are valid complaints, I did call him names when he would rage to shock him into stopping after I tried EVERYTHING else and sometimes I couldn?t get over it easily. He also oscillates between saying how much he loves me and that he hates me and I made him this way. He went so far during his last tantrum to tell me he only married me because he was expected to, which seems suspicious to me because I remember frequently talking about how young we were and we could wait. But he INSISTED he wanted the rest of our lives to start sooner at the time. Past month he legitimately appears to hate me.
My questions: Did I kill the love by being intolerant of the tantrums? Is it unreasonable for me to believe this is more of his drastic cycle through idealizing and blaming me? If so, is it reasonable for me to give him the chance to return to couples therapy and be accountable for actually working with his therapist? I also have a new technique go for a walk or to a hotel when I catch signs of impending tantrums. Or does this guy really honestly think I suddenly turned into a nag and ruined his life? In that case, I assume I should walk away.
TLDR: Husband?s personality did a 180 after some family drama. Suddenly, even when he?s calm he says he only started having tantrums because of me. Did I kill the love by not tolerating this bananas behavior better?


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