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My boyfriend thinks I'm stupid. (by Sparky)
My boyfriend thinks I'm stupid.
Hi. Thanks for clicking.
Obviously I'm hurt enough to post on Dating.mobi. I'm hoping for kind support and advice.
Myself(28f) and my boyfriend (33m) have been dating for 3 years after 6 years of close friendship.
We both are university graduates. Neither of us have "special" levels of intelligence when compared to the average person, we are just privileged enough to have had access to higher education where we learned about critical theory, and have shared interests because of that.
We have different personal interests, but in my opinion, are equally matched intellectually. It felt like he believed that too when we were in a platonic relationship.
In IQ tests he usually tests higher, in comprehension tests, I do. He has a skill for tactical thinking and I for critical analysis. I love and respect him not only for his intelligence but his other positive qualities. I know he loves and respects me too, but he just doesn't see me as an intellectual equal.
On the occasion I talk about something and take a stance he disagrees with, I feel he uses counter arguments with me that he never would with any of his male friends. Things like strawmanning my initial statement and using the burden of proof fallacy to disingenuously dismantle not only my arguments but my beliefs too. He weaponises sarcasm and hyperbole against me and a few times a light hearted debate has crossed into the territory of personal remarks from his side and has caused upset on mine.
I know for some it's not important, but for me, I used to love that we would get into heated, spirited debates about.. anything. It was always in good fun and it was one of the reasons why I began to fall in love with him years ago. Now I think twice before I enter a debate with him, because I don't want him talk to me the way one might talk to a flighty 14 year old or Ben Shapiro.
It's affecting other aspects of our relationship too. I no longer enjoy playing tactical video games with him, because I feel like when I play I have something to prove, and I don't want to feel that way when I'm trying to relax with my partner. When we talk I prefer to stay in the lane of more mundane topics we can't disagree in, because I don't want to risk him disagreeing with me and hurting my feelings.
I've dated people less smart than me before. I've even dated people who have felt threatened by me being more educated than them and unless they were being purposefully ignorant or incompetent, I have never spoken to a partner the way he speaks to me. Even when faced with partners who had to have asked me to explain things that to me feel simple and common sense, I've not taken on a snide and contemptuous attitude with them. It makes me think if I could kindly explain to an ex partner why gravity is a theory and not infantilise them, why does he infantilise me?
I love him, and I'd rather stay with him than leave, but sometimes I feel like it's not that I'm not smart enough for him, it's that my feelings are too fragile to be in a romantic relationship with someone intellectually matched to me. If that's the case, I'm not sure what I can do.
Please help. I'm trying to find a solution to this now before it becomes the sticking point that breaks up our relationship.
Tl;Dr Boyfriend and I used too feel like intellectual equals and have fun debates. Recently his debate style has undermined my intelligence and makes me feel that he thinks he's arguing with a child, effecting our communication style and our relationship.
Source.
Hi. Thanks for clicking.
Obviously I'm hurt enough to post on Dating.mobi. I'm hoping for kind support and advice.
Myself(28f) and my boyfriend (33m) have been dating for 3 years after 6 years of close friendship.
We both are university graduates. Neither of us have "special" levels of intelligence when compared to the average person, we are just privileged enough to have had access to higher education where we learned about critical theory, and have shared interests because of that.
We have different personal interests, but in my opinion, are equally matched intellectually. It felt like he believed that too when we were in a platonic relationship.
In IQ tests he usually tests higher, in comprehension tests, I do. He has a skill for tactical thinking and I for critical analysis. I love and respect him not only for his intelligence but his other positive qualities. I know he loves and respects me too, but he just doesn't see me as an intellectual equal.
On the occasion I talk about something and take a stance he disagrees with, I feel he uses counter arguments with me that he never would with any of his male friends. Things like strawmanning my initial statement and using the burden of proof fallacy to disingenuously dismantle not only my arguments but my beliefs too. He weaponises sarcasm and hyperbole against me and a few times a light hearted debate has crossed into the territory of personal remarks from his side and has caused upset on mine.
I know for some it's not important, but for me, I used to love that we would get into heated, spirited debates about.. anything. It was always in good fun and it was one of the reasons why I began to fall in love with him years ago. Now I think twice before I enter a debate with him, because I don't want him talk to me the way one might talk to a flighty 14 year old or Ben Shapiro.
It's affecting other aspects of our relationship too. I no longer enjoy playing tactical video games with him, because I feel like when I play I have something to prove, and I don't want to feel that way when I'm trying to relax with my partner. When we talk I prefer to stay in the lane of more mundane topics we can't disagree in, because I don't want to risk him disagreeing with me and hurting my feelings.
I've dated people less smart than me before. I've even dated people who have felt threatened by me being more educated than them and unless they were being purposefully ignorant or incompetent, I have never spoken to a partner the way he speaks to me. Even when faced with partners who had to have asked me to explain things that to me feel simple and common sense, I've not taken on a snide and contemptuous attitude with them. It makes me think if I could kindly explain to an ex partner why gravity is a theory and not infantilise them, why does he infantilise me?
I love him, and I'd rather stay with him than leave, but sometimes I feel like it's not that I'm not smart enough for him, it's that my feelings are too fragile to be in a romantic relationship with someone intellectually matched to me. If that's the case, I'm not sure what I can do.
Please help. I'm trying to find a solution to this now before it becomes the sticking point that breaks up our relationship.
Tl;Dr Boyfriend and I used too feel like intellectual equals and have fun debates. Recently his debate style has undermined my intelligence and makes me feel that he thinks he's arguing with a child, effecting our communication style and our relationship.
Source.
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