I (23F) am pretty sure I?m a lesbian, but I?ve been in love with my male partner (M26) since I was 15

First off, if I read my title on here, I would absolutely think it was some edgelord trying to play devil?s advocate or whatever. That?s not what I?m here for. I am not claiming that my feelings apply to anyone else and I cannot/will not speak for any other woman or LGBTQ+ person. I am not choosing to be straight, or saying that sexuality is a choice, or anything like that. I am a lesbian and my decision to be or not be with a man is deeply personal, not moral, religious, or political.
I fell in love with my partner when I was 15. At the time, I identified as bisexual, and while I?d been sexually intimate with a girl, I?d never dated one.
Our relationship was long distance until the start of the pandemic. We didn?t exchange photos for the first few months?he told me once he was afraid I?d be ugly and he was already too in love to break up if I was, haha. From the start, our relationship has been very emotionally based. The first time we spoke on the phone, we talked for 6 hours... For the first six or so years that we dated, we saw each other an average of 3 days per month. The rest of our quality time was spent talking, watching tv and movies together, playing games online, etc.
My partner is my best friend. I never get tired of him. I love living with him and cannot imagine a future that isn?t built with him. So when my therapist asked me 18 months ago if I was gay, I responded, ?No, I like men and women.?
I thought my therapist, himself a gay man who?d married a woman and was closeted until his 40s, might have been projecting, but he had good evidence. First he asked if I thought it was a coincidence that everywhere I?d gone in my life, I had surrounded myself with ***** women?for context, my college roommate/BFF is a lesbian and was the president of our school?s pride organization, I have been involved in many LGBT communities, and most of my close friends are *****. I think I only have maybe two close friends who identify as both straight and cis, and both of them have ***** siblings that they?re very close to. I told him that it makes me happy to be around ***** women, and that usually people who are out are more likely to be genuine people and more likely to accept the things about me which are unusual. There were a few other bits of evidence he gave me (like the fact that I regularly have sex dreams about women that end with me waking myself up feeling guilty about ?cheating? on my partner) but finally, after a few sessions, he asked me if I?ve ever been physically attracted to a man.
And damn look at that, no, I haven?t. So then he asked if I?ve ever been physically attracted to a woman. Resounding yes. So I guess I?m a lesbian. Who knew?
It?s been about a year since I realized that I?m a lesbian. My partner and I talked it through, including floating the idea of an open relationship or introducing just one person to our bedroom, but we are both monogamists by nature and didn?t really like the idea. He told me he?d support me and still be part of my life if we broke up because I want to date women. In August, we moved out of my parents? place and since then we?ve been making a home together. It?s really lovely. I trust him completely, I love him to bits, he is my family and my home and my partner.
I am not physically attracted to him. Ever since we moved in together and I realized I was gay, we have been able to focus a lot of time and energy on our sex life. It?s gotten much better?I was able to finally eliminate my issues with vaginismus and we have been working on him understanding BDSM and my need for submission. We?ve worked out how to make each other sexually fulfilled. Sometimes I had trouble ?wanting? to and we would go a month or so without, but now that there?s no pain and I know he?ll work with me, I feel safe to initiate when I?m not turned on and trust that my body will catch up. So we are having sex a few times a week and we both enjoy it.
If someone came to me saying this, I?d say, ?This isn?t sustainable, you can?t deny who you are.? But maybe that?s overly simplistic. I believe that love transcends sexuality. I believe sexuality and love are both infinitely complex. And many people have loving happy relationships in which sexual attraction is not involved?hell, look at how many unattractive people are in incredibly happy relationships. There are asexual people who have a loving sex life with their partner. I?ve read two stories about men who are straight but fell in love with a man; I knew a woman who identified as straight but was happily married to a woman. I have known a ?straight?couple that made it work after one person transitioned. I don?t blame anyone for having lack of sexual attraction as a potential dealbreaker, but I don?t think it should be a dealbreaker by default.
But maybe I?m being naive. Maybe I?ll wake up one day when I?m 45 and regret it all. I still dream about women. I still blush and get nervous when cute girls hit on me. But the idea of a life without my partner BEING my partner is unfathomable to me. He is the person I want to wake up next to. He is the person I want at my doctors appointments. He?s the person I want to plan for the future with.
I don?t know what to do. If something were to happen and my partner was no longer in my life, I know that after a few years I?d heal and be able to move on. It?s not that I don?t think I could build a life with a woman or that I think I?ll never love again. But the idea of throwing him away is so painful. But sometimes I meet a girl who makes my knees weak and my mouth dry. But I love my life with my partner. It?s a really painful situation... I will have to sacrifice something big and irreplaceable either way. I would really appreciate any and all advice.
TL;DR: I am very happy with my partner, but I am not sexually attracted to him or any other man and sometimes wish I could pursue relationships with women instead. Not sure what to do or how to decide what I?m willing to sacrifice and what I?m not, which is causing me a lot of pain and stress.
Edit: I just want to clarify that I am not really very concerned with how I label myself. It doesn?t upset me that I?m gay. My concern is on weighing whether I will regret leaving my partner or failing to explore my sexuality more in the long run. Also to those concerned, you are absolutely right that my therapist wasn?t a good fit and I have long since stopped seeing him. Finally, sometimes I don?t have a specific response but I?m reading and considering every post and will continue to do so. Thank you!
Edit again: it wasn?t on my mind when I first posted but it has come up several times, so I?d like to put it here at the top that one of the issues that complicates my relationship with my sexuality is childhood sexual abuse. I think it?s likely that my realization that I?m not attracted to men was delayed by the assumption that the attraction would come when I finished working through that trauma. It also impacts how I experience and think about sex, probably in ways I don?t understand in addition to the ways I do. Another issue that seems to be becoming relevant in some of the conversations I?ve been having is that my partner just is not a normal dude. I don?t really know how to describe him but he?s not neurotypical and honestly I?ve never met or heard of anyone who is like him. Everyone who meets him agrees that he?s unique but can?t put their finger on a ?diagnosis? or a stereotype he fits or an archetype he resembles. He?s just... him. My mom calls him an ?odd duck? and I think that suits him fine.


Source.