I've always known I'm not human, but this is too much.

My sixteenth birthday. What a joyous occasion. The kind of thing you bother to get out of bed for, for sure.
Most definitely.
Just a little more staring at the ceiling. Just five more minutes.
I did have to wonder if my mother was home, though. If she?d even remember that it was my birthday.
?Remember? probably isn?t the right word: it implies some kind of attempt.
Still, I knew it would be better to look alert just in case she was around. Better to make the effort to get out of bed.
I groaned as I forced myself to roll onto my side, a long, low sound that just slipped out. Great, was I getting old, too? On top of everything else, I was going to creak at sixteen?
I committed, anyway, continuing to my feet, letting out a series of noises that were probably more my mood than my flesh. So much to celebrate.
I barely had yesterday?s jeans in my hand before I thought better of it, padding across the room to rifle through my far-too-large wardrobe, just crammed full of things I?d never wanted.
Black chinos. Worn once or twice, so in good enough condition. Yeah, I?d probably get away with those. Black t-shirt. Okay, grey shirt over that. Wouldn?t want to look like I was going to sit around the house all day. By myself.
I sighed at my pale reflection, reaching for a comb for my not-neat-enough hair. Of all the things that Mother hates about my appearance, all of the things that she makes me correct if it?s not good enough, she loathes my hair being a mess. I?m not sure what it is ? it can?t possibly be that she likes it when it?s tidy ? but I do know that it isn?t worth fighting.
I noticed my eyes were looking especially dull as I peered closely at myself. Definitely more lilac than blue. Finally starting to reflect that I was dead inside?
I whipped around at the scraping sound behind me.
The blind fluttered as the window lifted behind it. I finished patting down my hair, my heart in my throat.
?You?d better not still be in bed?? the disembodied voice warned. I fixed my features into defiance.
A tanned hand reached expertly for the pull, lifting the blind until the owner could shoot me a bright grin. ?Good, you?re up! We?ve got to??
?I don?t know where Mother is,? I interrupted, waving a vague hand towards the rest of the house.
?Just saw her leave,? the casual criminal answered, swinging a leg over the frame.
?She could just be going??
?I?ll hide under the bed, if I must.? Her second foot hit the floor, and another grin spread over her face as she heaved the rest of herself into my room, straightening up. ?Happy birthday!?
?Not really?? I retorted, but then focused on bracing myself for the incoming impact as she crouched into a run.
A soft ?oof? pushed through my lips as Mari threw her arms around me. I was laughing even as I raised my own arms to push her away.
?One!? she yelled with a vicious jab to my ribs, making me double over, my breath stolen by the combination of violence and laughter. ?Two!?
?Stop it!? I protested, making a half-assed attempt to grab her wrist, too scared to hurt her.
?Three! Four!?
?Mari!?
My pleas fell on deaf ears, and I was a ball on my bed by the yell of a victorious, even more vicious, ?Sixteen!?
?Worst birthday ever?? I grumbled, loosening my defensive ball enough to press my face into the soft fabric beneath me.
?Oneforluck!? my ?friend? yelled, jabbing me too quickly for me to do anything about it.
?Oof!? I fell onto my stomach, stretching out. ?Dead.?
?Drama queen,? Mari said, her voice conveying the roll in her eyes. She shifted around until she was sprawled alongside me. ?So, what do you want to do today? I haven?t really made plans, because I kinda just assumed they?d start with ?climb out of the window and never come back???
I turned my head just enough to peer at her out of one eye. ?Excuse me??
She opened her eyes wide in faux ignorance. ?You?re excused. So, the window??
?I can?t just leave,? I pointed out, rolling to my back to make sure she could see me frown properly.
?You? literally can?? she said, gesturing to the window and doubling down on the expression. I laughed once, and she continued, ?You?re sixteen. You legally can just? go.?
?I wouldn?t know where to begin??
?Anywhere is better than here.?
?I don?t have any money.?
?Rob her first. Pack some things.?
?But? I need my tablets??
?I?m pretty sure your mother is just insane. They?re sawdust and food dye.?
I laughed, shaking my head. ?You?re insane.?
Her face was deadly serious and she was right in my personal space before I could even blink. ?Anders?? she said seriously. ?You can?t just live like this forever. You don?t have to anymore.?
My stomach squirmed uncomfortably. Sure, we?d talked about it, but I hadn?t? really?
?I?d need some time,? I said feebly.
?You?ve had time,? Mari said, wriggling even closer to me, so that her face kind of hovered over mine. ?It?s called ?the last fifteen years, three-hundred-sixty-four days of your life???
I didn?t respond, just moving my eyes over her. She?d started doing that kind of thing a lot over the last year, give or take, and I had noticed. Always in my personal space. Always? I don?t know, like she expected something.
She?s my best friend. Sure, that?s an easier title to hand out when you only have one friend, but? I really like her. She?s an awesome person. Fun, and kind, with a swift right hook. And yeah, pretty, if you?re into that kind of thing.
She kind of made me wonder if I was into that kind of thing. If a normal boy wouldn?t? I don?t know, wriggle back.
?Anders?? she prompted. I snapped my eyes away from her lips, from my pondering. She smiled softly, crossing her arms over my chest and dropping her chin onto them, getting even closer to me. ?Are you even listening?? she asked playfully.
?I am, I just?I know I?m legal, but it?s not just??
?Legal?? she smirked. ?Are we still talking about leaving home??
?What? Yes!? I said, feeling my cheeks redden in a not-at-all-normal-boy way.
?Good,? she smiled. ?Because this is seriously important.?
I nodded my understanding. She was right. I should be brave. I should? go.
Mari?s smile broadened, and she reached out her hand and poked the very end of my nose. I smiled stupidly despite myself. Were I just a normal boy?
?I?m sure you?ll be able to come and stay with us, even if it?s just while we plan properly,? she said. ?Your mother doesn?t even need to know you?re there, just to avoid drama.?
I hesitated for only a moment before nodding slowly. I could do that. Maybe. Hiding? With Mari? That didn?t sound so bad. I?d never met her parents, but she made them sound very nice.
?But there?s no time like the present,? she added. ?There?s no reason to put it off now, there?s??
She stopped as I started violently. The bell ? my summons ? had rung, blaring from the little plastic box stuck just above my bed.
?She?s here!? I said, panicked, starting to sit up.
Mari pressed me back into my pillows with a hand on my chest. ?Calm down, it?s fine. I?ll leave. Just promise me?I?ll be back later, tomorrow, whenever. I?ll watch to make sure she?s gone, just promise me that you?ll go then??
The bell chimed once more. I clenched my fists, fighting the urge to push my friend away from me, and nodded urgently. I would agree, and she would leave. Maybe I?d even be downstairs in time to avoid the cane.
Her eyebrows knitted together tightly. ?Ander??
?I promise!? I half-yelled. ?You just have to go!?
Mari erupted into a grin, broad and bright and oblivious to how quickly she had to leave. ?Awesome,? she smiled, starting to push herself away.
I was starting to sit, too, when she swooped back in, hand on my chest. ?Still? sixteen. We?ll have to mark the occasion another way.?
I saw her move closer, knew what it looked like, yet her lips were still on mine before I truly believed she was going to do it.
I?d never felt anything like it.
Warmth surged into me, starting with the pleasant sensation of finally getting a hot drink into a dry mouth, sliding down my throat and into my chest, so much more complete than usual, so much more fulfilling, spreading until it seemed to fill me, cover me, like sinking into a hot bath, like finally being shielded from the cold ? and then it was nothing short of vision-blackening euphoria, over and inside of me all at once.
The feeling surged through me, so much more than heat, my pulse spiked, my blood coursing, stars in my ****ing eyes ? I wasn?t sure if I?d actually closed them, but I sure as **** couldn?t see.
It was?My body sang. It was so much more than? you know, an orgasm, but I guess it did kind of feel that way. Pleasurable, tingly, satisfying, but not just in my?It was everywhere. It was the dizzying hit of that pleasure, but it was in my whole body. In my whole being. Even my ****ing brain hummed.
The bell chimed again.
I gasped, fighting the urge to writhe, trying to claw my senses back, waiting for the feeling to finish ripping its way through me. I didn?t want it to, but I knew it had to.
I eventually managed to open my eyes ? or to see through them again ? quite sure that my blood had curdled.
I panted, blinking, trying to?What? What had that been? I was pretty sure a kiss wasn?t supposed to be that good.
Mari was facedown on my chest. I managed to speak her name, breathless, and shook her shoulder. The bell was still chiming.
?You have to go,? I croaked.
She didn?t move. I shook her again. I definitely wasn?t avoiding that cane.
?Mari!? I said. I grabbed her shoulder again, shook a little more roughly. ?You have to??
My voice hitched, made its escape as a strangled whistle as my friend finally moved. Shifted. Rolled away from me. Lifeless.
I jolted to my knees, rolling her properly onto her back, the residue of good feelings fleeing as my stomach turned to lead.
?Mari?? Another shake, another silence. ?Mari?!?
I moved my hand to her neck, tried to feel for a pulse, opened her mouth and checked her tongue when I couldn?t find one. I put my ear on her chest, shook her again, took her face in my hands as vague, insistent, haywire flashes of inspiration ran through my mind, as I tried to, failed to, refused to believe what had happened.
?MARI?!?
The bell chimed again.
I hurried to my door, throwing it open. It didn?t matter. None of that mattered.
?Mum! MUM!? I roared, my voice broken.
I rushed back to my bed, dropping to my knees beside it, taking Mari?s hand in my own and just pawing pathetically at her, lifting an eyelid, tilting back her chin. Crying. Still, I think, calling for my mother.
The door bounced against the wall as hurried footsteps came to an abrupt stop in the frame. I turned my tear-streaked face to my mother, meeting her wide-with-shock eyes.
?Mum?? I sobbed. ?Please, help.?
Her eyes moved slowly over the two of us. ?Oh, Leander?? she said breathily. Her face split slowly into a smirk. Her eyes shone as they grew wider. ?What have you done??
**
It was almost two months after my twenty-first birthday. I was still crawling through the lowest of lows, still recovering from another anniversary. Another year.
It had been a day spent entirely in my room. The house entirely empty. I hadn?t even been entertaining myself, hadn?t bothered to read a book or anything. I?d sat on my floor, my back to my bed ? the same bed, because she?d never let me swap it ? staring at my window.
If only Mariana had just left.
It seemed to get harder every year. I still didn?t know what had happened. What I?d done to her.
I knew I?d definitely done something to her.
I?ve always known I?m not quite human. I think Mother has always taken some pleasure from making sure I know it, if I?m honest.
I know. I know what that sounds like. Not human? As told to you by a crazy parent, who all but keeps you locked up in the house, who wants you to want to stay away from other people? I know.
But I know it?s true. Know that nothing about me is normal.
Know that I?m what happened to Mariana. That she died because I kissed her. That my kiss killed her.
I just don?t know why. How.
I heard the car in front of the house, and it was only a minute until that goddamn bell chimed. I heaved myself to my feet, sighing. It wasn?t worth not responding to ?Jump!? with ?How high??
My mother stood at the kitchen island, glass of wine already in hand. Her nostrils flared at the sight of me.
?Why are you so dishevelled?? she asked sharply.
?Sorry,? I said, skipping right to it.
Her eyes narrowed, making me sure it was about to be one of those times that that?s not good enough, but she only shook her head. ?I don?t suppose it?s going to matter. I have a job you need to do.?
?Okay??? I said, feeling like a coward for just how wary that made me.
She took a deep pull from her glass, and then set it down in front of her before clicking her way around the island towards me. I flinched away slightly, against my will, but she was too busy glancing all around us to notice.
?Mariana?? she said, her eyes coming to a stop on mine.
The word was enough to break my heart all over again. I wanted to ask what about her, but all I could do was stare.
She held it. Made me wait, her eyes expectant. Made me wish harder that I had a voice to use. Made me worry that she was about to blow up at me.
I swallowed heavily, trying to take my body back. Trying to get it back onto my side. Trying to make it do something.
?You need to move her,? my mother said simply, and not even my heart was my own as it beat a rhythm that made me choke.
?Well? Now,? she prompted, making me realise I was still only staring at her, the memory, played often enough to still be clear as day, thumping its way through my mind.
?Where??? I managed, my voice tiny.
?Well, it?s been a few years now, so it?s??
?Five, Mother. It?s been five,? I interrupted.
I was sure that look meant I was about to get slapped, but again she only shook her head. ?Behind the gazebo should do the trick.?
I paused, trying to process. ?I should dig there first,? I eventually said, robotic.
Mother gave a dismissive little quirk of her mouth. ?Sure.?
She moved back to her wine, sipping, and I watched her silently.
I had to ask.
?Why??
?Why what?? she asked, not looking at me.
?Why do I? need to??
She glanced momentarily my way. ?I?m having an extension built,? she said airily.
?An extension??
?You know what an extension is.?
I do, but I didn?t understand why she?d need, even want one. We already have far more house than we need. Rooms we hardly ever even go into.
I stood, watching and internally debating, and she allowed it for a few seconds before turning sharply to me, her eyebrows already knitted.
?You have tonight,? she said. ?The men are coming tomorrow. What are you waiting for??
I stared at her in utter shock, but my legs started to carry me off towards the grounds.
I wasn?t sure I could do it. Move her? It was? my best friend. The only friend I?d ever had. To just? dig her up and?
I viciously wiped my eyes. I definitely couldn?t allow that.
I made my way to the outbuilding where I was quite sure the gardener kept all of the tools, trying to just not think. There was no way I could do it, and no way I could refuse.
I still wasn?t sure which was going to win, which conviction was actually stronger than the other, even as I searched for a shovel.
I got as far as clasping one and heading out to the gazebo. That was going to be the easy bit, at least. Just digging a hole. I just had to not think about what it was for.
I don?t know how long it took me. How long it took for my body to start to ache. How long it took for it to stop. For me to just push through it, until I was almost numb. Until I only felt that dullest of aches, that promise of pain the next day.
I couldn?t bring myself to look into the hole once it was finished. I was pretty sure it was going to ?do.? I couldn?t let myself think properly about what it was for, couldn?t weigh it up and wonder if she?d?
I broke away, heading back towards the house.
We?d been having work done when it had happened, too. Had half of a lawn dug up for Mother to put in a new irrigation system. Well, for someone to put one in for her.
I?d buried Mariana underneath the overturned soil. It hadn?t looked any different once I?d finished. The workmen had continued to work over her without even the slightest idea that something was wrong. I?d watched from a distance, wondering if any of it was real.
I must have stared at the spot for fifteen minutes before I even attempted to break the soil with my shovel. The exact spot. I still knew the exact spot.
I didn?t bother trying to keep my eyes from leaking as I dug. I couldn?t not think about what I was about to find. What was she going to be like? Would the cloth I?d wrapped around her even be intact? Five years. How much? happened in five years?
It felt like it should be raining. Maybe I just read too many books.
I dug until I could see something in the soil. A mound. A lump. Cloth.
I sank to my knees even though I didn?t want to, my hands moving to my mouth. I couldn?t do it. I couldn?t do it.
I?m so sorry, Mariana. I had no idea. No. No idea.
My shoulders abruptly stopped shaking as blue light fell over the house in front of me. I turned, squinting into the dark.
There was a police car on the driveway, where it wrapped around to meet the garage beside the garden. Two figures were stepping out of it. I stared in horror, looking between them and the hole in front of me. Was it too late? It had to be too late.
?Hands on your head,? a voice called, the owner only a silhouette as he approached me, my eyes unable to truly see anything except the blue light framing him.
?Stay right where you are,? the figure beside him said, a note of panic in his voice that wasn?t there in the first.
I looked hurriedly between the two of them, the car, the hole. It couldn?t be happening.
The first man approached me, his hand outstretched. ?Come on, son,? he started, but the word shocked me out of it, made me look towards the house. Maybe Mother??
She was standing in the kitchen doorway, an expression of shock pasted on her face. I knew that look. Knew it wasn?t real.
I turned back to the police, just in time for one of them to grab my wrist. He was still talking to me, about ?suspicion? and ?evidence? and ?court.?
I craned my neck to look at them, both behind me. I could probably hurt them. I?m a lot stronger than I should be. I could get away. Where would I go?
I looked at my mother again. She wasn?t bothering to wear the expression without the policemen looking at her.
They started to drag me to my feet. I stared at the cloth wrapped around Mariana.
She?d get buried, at least, right? Her parents would finally know what had happened to her.
I looked back at the police again. I wasn?t sure I could bring myself to hurt them.
My mother let out a cry of surprise. I snapped around to look at her to find her darting back into the kitchen, throwing the door closed.
I was looking hurriedly around when one of the policemen soared overhead, flying halfway towards his own car, landing in the garden with a heavy thump. I straightened up, searching frantically.
The other officer gave a yell of shock as he was pulled away from me, as some force dragged him backwards, his grip on the handcuffs around my wrists breaking as he cried out, an incoherent diatribe of fear.
I spun on the spot, searching, panicking. I saw his feet leave the ground, saw him soar to join his workmate.
?Who?s there?!? I asked, injecting more force than I thought I could into my voice.
I turned all the way on the spot just once before, close to my ear, a low voice simply told me, ?Run.?


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