[Update] My [36F] boyfriend [50M] cancelled our holiday, and then last minute decided to go after I couldn’t make it

Hey guys,
It has been about 4 months since I made my original post so I thought I would update.
TL:DR - We broke up.
After he returned home from his (our?) holiday, I tried to raise some of the issues that were pointed out to my by people who commented on my original post, which all boiled down to a reality that basically our relationship is really only a relationship to me and that for him I am just providing the "girlfriend experience" without being able to expect or enjoy any kind of commitment.
He defended his actions and did manage to generate a pretty impressive list of ways he has been there for me over the past 4 years. But as I learned from you wise people, he is really only there for me when it is on his terms, and when he is being "so sweet" it is likely an act, whereas the rest of the time he is just being himself.
We broke up a couple of weeks after he returned home. I will admit that it was devastating for me and I really had to go through a grief process for the loss of how I hoped things might turn out. Until about a week ago, he would not leave me alone. He left me daily gifts at my home (actually inside of my home until I made him give me back my key). He recruited my friends to do little surprises for me, knowing I hadn't had the heart to tell people about our break up at that point. It was humiliating. When it was my birthday, he sent a lavish gift based on a sexy inside joke of ours. He came to my work place (he is a consultant there, I am on the payroll) and acted as though we are together, making me cry in the bathroom at how awkward it was because I hadn't told my colleagues about our split at that point. And worse of all, I took myself to a hot country to have a solo vacation - all "sister doing it for herself" - and he had the nerve to JOIN ME at the place I was staying after he found out about it from others. When I asked if he was there because he changed his mind and wanted to be with me (hopeless hope, I couldn't help it), he laughed it off and said no, my trip just sounded fun so he thought he'd have fun with me. He ruined a vacation I really needed, and I embarrassed myself crying many tears in a beautiful, tropical paradise surrounded by people in love, or at least that's how it seemed.
I realize how horrible he sounds when I write all of this out, but we did have many good years together, including a lot of fun doing a shared hobby that not a lot of people are into and that is super time consuming. I'm not sure how to face him in our mutual spaces anymore. I don't know what switched off for him to finally give me space, but it has helped immensely for me to heal and get over this without him lurking around or love-bombing me to try to get me to change my mind. After the vacation fiasco, I know that he is only reaching out because he misses the convenience I brought to his life, not because he misses me or cares about me, or he never would have done such a rude, selfish thing.
I am posting mainly as a thank you to those of you who took the time to reach out and share your perspectives with me, both gently and not-so-gently. I am not sure how I was recruited into allowing him to treat me that way, and I'm working with a very fantastic therapist to learn more about who I am in relationships. It will be hard to spend the holidays without him and I miss his kids a lot, but it is such a good feeling to know that I have a fresh start. I've been enjoying the holiday parties with family and friends this year, and have met a couple of really cute men who are close in my age, seem emotionally available, and are immersed in interesting, creative careers. They flirt with me like I'm a real person - you know, talking and asking questions instead of just compliments and being taken to events like the token "I got dumped by my wife but check out this hot babe who loves me" type of girlfriend. I'm being careful and oh so slow, but guys, oh so hopeful too.
I am very grateful for your help. I hope you have a lovely holiday and a wonderful new year.
Signed, Recovering Plaything


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