Me 28M married to wife 29F for 6 years, trouble with emotions and affection

Long time lurker, first time poster.
My wife and I met at college 7 years ago, dated for a year and got married. Over the last 6 years of marriage, its become increasingly obvious that I have great trouble showing affection and displaying emotions to her, and its been a seriously negative factor on our relationship. I think this may partly be due to my upbringing and I"m looking for some advice that may help me to adapt to a healthier response to her.
I grew up very sheltered, on a ranch, home-schooled by religious parents. Never dated, never kissed, nothing romantic in the slightest. Only contact I ever had with girls was once a week at a class. As such, I never knew how to talk to or interact with anyone really apart from my famly. We were also a very emotionless family.
At 18, I met a distant family relative (40F-ish) who unofficially 'adopted me' as her step-son, told me I was everything she ever dreamed of in a partner, and, slowly seduced me over a few months. I was young, dumb, and had no experience at all, and I thought it was true love. We had a very short secret relationship before I went off to college, and she dumped me over the phone. That combined with my complete lack of experience with girls resulted in me not having any romantic or sexual interaction with anyone over the next 4 years of college. I hated college, made no friends, spent most of my nights cutting, drinking, and playing online games. I didn't know how to relate to anyone.
At the end of my 4th year (which I partially flunked and had to go back in for a 5th), I met my wife. She was new to school, and we happened to live near each other back home (different state). She randomly messaged me one day on Facebook to see if I wanted to go on a hike back home, and we started hanging out as friends for a couple months after that.
We started dating and quickly 'fell in love'. She had way more experience then I did, which was daunting and made me very very insecure in our relationship and in my self-confidence. I did everything I could to be romantic, caring and a perfect gentleman, and I succeeded in winning her hand after half a year, and then getting married after a year of dating.
After getting married, we started having arguments about the amount of affection I was showing her. I fell into the oh-so-common trap of thinking that now that we were married, I didn't have to put in as much effort. After a couple years of struggling along, we managed to get past that, and had kids and found our careers.
Moving onto present. Its become increasingly apparent over the last 2 years what the real issue is here. I lack basic understanding of affection and how to show emotion appropriately. We have a 'discussion' every 6 months or so about how she feels neglected, not cared for, and like a business partner, not a wife. I try harder, and we limp along. But its not been getting better, and I desperately want to figure out some steps that could help us actually grow closer and develop better chemistry.
Here are some examples of the issues.
I almost never ever compliment her. I will look at her, think she looks pretty/beautiful and then not say or do anything about it. Its like it doesn't even cross my mind that I could or should say something.
I am 'stingy' with my physical affection. I rarely am the one initiating hugs or kisses, again its almost like it doesn't cross my mind.
I am very blunt and direct with what I think we should do, and sometimes ask for her advice, and then ignore what it is and move right along with my own plans.
I constantly feel threatened by other people (men in particular as I'm not a 10 my any stretch of the imagination), feel like I'm not good at anything compared to them, feel like a loser. This isn't the case. I'm working at a fantastic company making about 100k per year, well-liked by most of my coworkers, and have been promoted several times. However I still feel like a outside, and I have to tip-to around them. I feel like I don't deserve my wife (which if you've read this whole post so far you probably agree with).
But on the flip side, I'm fairly narcissistic. I tend to look down on other people that I don't know well, feel like I'm better then them, and that I have my life together. However, because I feel insecure about myself in public, I'm extremely good at showing empathy (which I don't really feel) and getting along with strangers I'm forced into contact with.
I also have discovered that I possibly have some tendencies towards Asperger's (which my wife cautiously brought up as a possible problem a few years back that I discounted at the time). I have taken multiple psych tests online, and my scores have come right in on the border 'just' below falling into that range. And the more I've read about it, the more it seems to fit how I think and feel, and why its so damned hard to relate to anyone.
Anyways, I really want to figure out a way to do a better job of showing affection, showing gratitude, showing love toward my wife. I love her with all my heart, would give up everything I have for her happiness, but I'm really bad at showing it. And I can't figure out why my brain won't tell me, 'oh she looks beautiful, so tell her that', or 'open the car door for her', 'tell her you miss her', 'give her random snuggles', 'tell her how much you love her and are grateful for all she does in your life', 'thank her for making you dinner'........ all of which I WANT TO DO, but it doesn't occur to me to do it! I'm so frustrated that I can't figure this out, I've tried timed reminders on my phone (which she saw and was very offended that I had a reminder to tell her I love her). (We have not tried any counseling which I'm sure is the very first piece of advice I"m going to get!)
What can I do to force my brain to develop this missing part of itself? Please help me Dating.mobi! You're my only hope.
TL;DR! I struggle with telling my wife that I love her, find her attractive, show her physical affection, and discount her ideas. Possibly have some Asperger's tendencies. Poor wife feels unwanted, and I don't know what to do.


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