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Me [35 F] with my boyfriend[44 M] of 1 year, wants me to learn his language, but makes constant cutt (by Sparky)
Me [35 F] with my boyfriend[44 M] of 1 year, wants me to learn his language, but makes constant cutting "jokes" or criticism when I try
Update: Thanks guys, I really appreciate all of your responses! It really helped to have a bit of perspective + clarity, and some were quite funny and cheered me up. I honestly was expecting a couple people to disagree and tell me I was being a bit oversensitive...
So my update is that I feel like breaking up, but as the computer is there with him I have to handle it delicately, maybe try to get a friend to pick it up first. Oh, and I will still learn the language of city B! but just for myself of course :-)
Hi Guys...so I just want to know if I'm being over-sensitive, as in the past I've had a couple borderline abusive/manipulative relationships, and I'm not sure how much is overreaction.
Background: I've lived between 2 cities for the last 4 years, I mainly receive work in the one I am from, city A, and city B I love because it is an international, creative city with a great social life and people are very intellectual driven. Practically everyone I work or come into contact with in city B speaks fluent English, so there is less immediate "need" for me to learn the language to a fluent extent. Even lectures at universities and most films are in English. Nevertheless, I can speak well enough to talk to the tax office, order things on the phone, and casual chitchat to people in stores etc.
I also speak three languages fluently, and until now I picked up and partially forgot at least 7 other languages when living in different countries (usually very quickly within 3-6 months without courses), this language is more complicated, coupled with not speaking it all day makes it less easy to simply "pick up".
Problem Now:
My current bf has been complaining for the duration we have known each other of 1 year that I don't speak this language. Fair enough, so I asked him to speak with me- then he doesn't do it or he might spurt out some pretentious philosophical phrases which he knows I won't understand. Sometimes i try to do our messaging in this language but it only lasts a few mins, and he reverts to English. He has made remarks that I "sound like an alien" when i speak this language (other ppl say my accent is quite good), that i never bother to learn (I have done 4 courses until intermediate level in the 2 yrs i have been here), that I've been here forever etc. and that if we want to be together in the long-term I should learn the language.
So since two months ago I looked for a private tutor online and started having lessons, then she flaked on me, but I continued everyday on my own to revise grammar (while I am in the different city for half a year) until I return to the other city where I would take morning courses up again. I don't have a lot of money, so am limited with how/who I can learn.
I am extremely busy with my career at the moment (which does not require said language), but when i take a break at the cafe I try to do an hour a day, then at night I usually do something fun in that language like a point and click game that has a lot of speaking. So today when bf asked what i was doing i said I am doing an hour of this language revision on my break. He snidely says "Do you really think that's going to help you?" This is where I get really frustrated, and granted I have not slept much so my reply was emotional (which I know he will hold against me). I basically told him to stop making these constant remarks that "dig" or criticise me, that he is not helpful. And i'm not proud of this, because I usually never like to bring up comparing exes in a relationship, but I said that my ex would speak to me simply in this language and that was much more helpful than his constant criticism. His reply was that I'm being 'overdramatic" and that it's just a "joke" that he made "once or twice" (much much more), then he hung up on me and I know he won't try to make me feel better.
Another reason this bothers me is because he has a history of these "cutting jokes" that I find downright aggressive, for ex:
1) sending me a video of someone on the phone being run over and over again by a car (he was upset that i was texting on my phone when we were watching a boring movie on tv and sent that a couple weeks later)
2) for three months he has made this joke at least three times a week, sometimes everyday, that he will "throw my computer out the window if I don't come back" to his city soon. It was kinda funny at first, but then it just got SO tedious, until i finally snapped at him and told him to knock it off. In the past he has also thrown a CD I took from a carboot sale out the window because it was "junk" that I refused to take home from his place (because I thought it would be funny to listen to together (he lives on the 5th floor)
I feel like it’s a passive aggressive or control thing he's trying to do, but then its always "just a joke" and I "can’t take a joke" (i often laugh a lot with my friends and siblings so I’m not totally humorless)
So what do you guys think? I’m not sure how to approach this.
TLDR: Bf constantly critical and makes "jokes" that are slightly passive aggressive, but when I get angry i "can't take a joke"
Source.
Update: Thanks guys, I really appreciate all of your responses! It really helped to have a bit of perspective + clarity, and some were quite funny and cheered me up. I honestly was expecting a couple people to disagree and tell me I was being a bit oversensitive...
So my update is that I feel like breaking up, but as the computer is there with him I have to handle it delicately, maybe try to get a friend to pick it up first. Oh, and I will still learn the language of city B! but just for myself of course :-)
Hi Guys...so I just want to know if I'm being over-sensitive, as in the past I've had a couple borderline abusive/manipulative relationships, and I'm not sure how much is overreaction.
Background: I've lived between 2 cities for the last 4 years, I mainly receive work in the one I am from, city A, and city B I love because it is an international, creative city with a great social life and people are very intellectual driven. Practically everyone I work or come into contact with in city B speaks fluent English, so there is less immediate "need" for me to learn the language to a fluent extent. Even lectures at universities and most films are in English. Nevertheless, I can speak well enough to talk to the tax office, order things on the phone, and casual chitchat to people in stores etc.
I also speak three languages fluently, and until now I picked up and partially forgot at least 7 other languages when living in different countries (usually very quickly within 3-6 months without courses), this language is more complicated, coupled with not speaking it all day makes it less easy to simply "pick up".
Problem Now:
My current bf has been complaining for the duration we have known each other of 1 year that I don't speak this language. Fair enough, so I asked him to speak with me- then he doesn't do it or he might spurt out some pretentious philosophical phrases which he knows I won't understand. Sometimes i try to do our messaging in this language but it only lasts a few mins, and he reverts to English. He has made remarks that I "sound like an alien" when i speak this language (other ppl say my accent is quite good), that i never bother to learn (I have done 4 courses until intermediate level in the 2 yrs i have been here), that I've been here forever etc. and that if we want to be together in the long-term I should learn the language.
So since two months ago I looked for a private tutor online and started having lessons, then she flaked on me, but I continued everyday on my own to revise grammar (while I am in the different city for half a year) until I return to the other city where I would take morning courses up again. I don't have a lot of money, so am limited with how/who I can learn.
I am extremely busy with my career at the moment (which does not require said language), but when i take a break at the cafe I try to do an hour a day, then at night I usually do something fun in that language like a point and click game that has a lot of speaking. So today when bf asked what i was doing i said I am doing an hour of this language revision on my break. He snidely says "Do you really think that's going to help you?" This is where I get really frustrated, and granted I have not slept much so my reply was emotional (which I know he will hold against me). I basically told him to stop making these constant remarks that "dig" or criticise me, that he is not helpful. And i'm not proud of this, because I usually never like to bring up comparing exes in a relationship, but I said that my ex would speak to me simply in this language and that was much more helpful than his constant criticism. His reply was that I'm being 'overdramatic" and that it's just a "joke" that he made "once or twice" (much much more), then he hung up on me and I know he won't try to make me feel better.
Another reason this bothers me is because he has a history of these "cutting jokes" that I find downright aggressive, for ex:
1) sending me a video of someone on the phone being run over and over again by a car (he was upset that i was texting on my phone when we were watching a boring movie on tv and sent that a couple weeks later)
2) for three months he has made this joke at least three times a week, sometimes everyday, that he will "throw my computer out the window if I don't come back" to his city soon. It was kinda funny at first, but then it just got SO tedious, until i finally snapped at him and told him to knock it off. In the past he has also thrown a CD I took from a carboot sale out the window because it was "junk" that I refused to take home from his place (because I thought it would be funny to listen to together (he lives on the 5th floor)
I feel like it’s a passive aggressive or control thing he's trying to do, but then its always "just a joke" and I "can’t take a joke" (i often laugh a lot with my friends and siblings so I’m not totally humorless)
So what do you guys think? I’m not sure how to approach this.
TLDR: Bf constantly critical and makes "jokes" that are slightly passive aggressive, but when I get angry i "can't take a joke"
Source.
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