My friend that I was in love with committed suicide due to a losing fight with cancer, what do I do?

Not long ago, my best friend since middle school, and woman that I loved, chose to take her own life rather than allow the cancer that just refused to go away, to waste her away, take her dignity away from her, to take her life. She did so by breathing in Nitrogen sp that she simply went to sleep rather than feel like she was suffocating.
All throughout my years in school, she was always there for me to help me recover from my surgeries. During one of my major procedures, she was recovering from some major surgery herself for cancer. I stayed with her and her family. I remember so many nights when she would call me at 2 or 3 in the morning, crying, terrified, tired, exhausted, alone. She just wanted to chat. I would ask her if she wanted me to come over and she would just answer please. Nothing more. I would say be there in a few. I would get dressed, drive to her house, shed let me in. We would just go back to her room, sit/lay on the bed, and I would just wrap my arms around her and hold her close. We wouldnt say a word, there was nothing that needed to be said as it had all been said already. This was in my upperclassmen years of high schools. Her parents were perfectly fine with it and my parents never knew since I usually stayed in my room when at home, making virtually no noise. I didnt even make noise when walking, earning me the nickname ghost from my own family.
I loved her, more than what I thought possible. She loved me. We never did anything about it because of both of our medical issues and in all honesty, probably to protect each other. Instead we were just there for each other in ways that no one else could. We were always there for each other no matter what. She was there the very next day after I found out my ex was cheating on me while I was in the ICU following spinal fusion surgery.
It feels like someone has ripped out my heart, my stomach. It feels like I have a fist in my throat. I feel empty, and weak. I cant go to her funeral. I cant go to her funeral. I cant go to the funerals of those I love most because I cannot see the faces of those I love and see them dead, I cant have that be my last memory of them. I couldnt go to the funeral of the by far most influential man in my life, my grandfather, the man that taught me everything.
She had a friend of hers post a letter after she had passed and I got it. It hurt so much to read, I cant find the words to accurately describe how it made me feel. I had resolved to do the exact same thing should something ever happen so that I have final word on how I go out rather than let something else make that decision for me, so I would have that final act of mine, that last thing to happen to, to be of my own decision and to choose my own fate, rather than have it be chosen for me. I never once told her this though, it was even the exact same method. She did everything the exact same way that I would.
I want her back. I want to feel her in my arms, to smell her hair, to hear her laugh, to feel her breath on my neck, to see her smile.
I dont know what to do. Help. Please...
Edit: as if to make things worse my chronic pain is having another spike so im laying on the ground, too weak and in too much pain to stand, waiting for my pain killers to kick in... thank god she never saw me like this. She never saw me when the pain was bad...
When I say I dont trust others, I really mean it. I dont even trust either of my parents enough to ever give more than banal chit chat. I never reveal anything serious to them anymore because of how they responded in the past when I tried talking with them about anything serious in my life.
I just want someone to hold me...


Source.

Yea.....suuuuure......

Is your name Jimmy/James?

probably