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Me [34 M] with my fiancee [33 F] together 18 months, engaged for 12mths, Mother is causing us proble (by Sparky)
(29 / M-F / Massachusetts)
Me [34 M] with my fiancee [33 F] together 18 months, engaged for 12mths, Mother is causing us problems 4wks from our wedding!
OK this might be a long one but bear with me.
Ages and genders - Me 34/m, fiancee 33/m, my mother 71/f (obv), my father 64/m, my brother 35/m, my best man 33/m
I met my fiancee 18 months ago and we got on great, I ended up moving in and we've lived together for most of that time.
We announced some time last year that we'd like to get married, got engaged and the wedding is set for 25th September. Everything was going great, besides a couple of occasions where my fiancee said my mother had been bringing up my ex and being ever so slightly frosty with her - stuff i didn't notice but apparently is quite apparent to women who pick up on more subtle signals (I genuinely hadn't noticed any problems)
Of course, being quite family orientated whenever my family was attacked i felt hurt and defended them, not seeing the problems. It all came to a head last weekend when my fiancee said i had to confront my parents and have her back or we were going to have problems. We sorted this out and we did a lot of talking about all the various aspects of it - and I told my parents that some of the behaviours my mum had displayed were not cricket and she needed to be aware of them and how they had hurt my fiancee.
Now my view on this is that perhaps one party didnt realise they were being hurtful, perhaps the other party was too sensitive, perhaps it was blown out of proportion - whatever, that's not for me to decide...but if somebody feels hurt, you say "I'm so sorry I didn't realise what I said had hurt you, I never meant for that to happen - lets talk about it so I can make sure I don't hurt your feelings in future" - sensible adult discussion, right?
Nope!
I suggested to my parents and my fiancee that we all meet up to discuss the situation and air feelings and everyone can move forward on a positive step - they may not have agreed, they may not have liked it, but its only fair to hear somebody out and for both sides to accept any criticisms with good grace and to apologize where appropriate, or agree to disagree and move on constructively.
What happened instead, was my mother called my fiancee and tried to corner her when she wasnt ready to talk, and ended up gaslighting her and getting quite aggressive on the phonecall, saying that she was being a silly girl and it was all in her head and essentially belittling her feelings - precisely by the way what I advised her NOT to do. My fiancee came off the phone in tears and I had heard the whole thing from start to finish - my fiancee had completely kept her cool, and had simply stated which things were upsetting her, what incidents and why. My mother just tried to bait her into saying something offensive or abusive, we don't know why....fiancee had to end the call because she was getting nowhere.
Next thing to happen was my father sent me a text message that evening demanding i drop everything to meet him to discuss. I said i was busy and didnt react. My initial reaction was "you expect me to leave my fiancee at home in tears to come discuss how to fix your wife (my mother) ??? Are you nuts?!"
since then, nothing has been said except one clipped exchange of emails about an unrelated matter, until last night when I had a call from my Best Man who said he had been sent a message via a third party to call my mother, which he did. Apparently he was told "we cant let him marry her, we need to stop the wedding" to which he quite rightly replied that it's not his or their place to have any involvement in whether I get married or who I get married to. He of course told me right away.
I'm now here with an understandably extremely angry fiancee, im very upset about the way this is being handled and dealt with - its so childish, why not just be an adult?
We offered to meet up with them prior to all of this but we were told "no we wont go out to eat because we'll be expected to pick up the bill" and insisted we go to their house, which is hardly neutral ground and I'd already told them my SO doesnt feel happy or comfortable there, which on some level is also understandable as for a time I had stayed there with my ex - I would feel the same in her shoes!
So now we have had to contact our venue to put passwords on everything and we have to email our entire guest list (luckily its a very small wedding) to make sure she hasn't gone around trying to cancel the whole thing.
I'm extremely upset as I always thought that my wedding day would be a time when my parents would be happy for me no matter what my choices were, even if they were bad choices. I thought they would support me no matter what, and behave with grace and respect, but I'm not getting that respect and nor is my fiancee. To check we're not going absolutely crazy and it's not something we've done wrong (always an element of doubt) i checked with my Best Man, my Brother, and my future MIL to get their views, and they all agree that Mum has gone off the map nuts and my Dad is enabling her behaviour.
We're really concerned she's going to show up to our wedding and cause a scene and be a nuisance and ruin our day. We don't want to rescind their invite because we want to retain the moral high ground in this situation and ensure that no matter what happens we can't be accused of any pettiness or retaliation - if it kicks off, we want the responsibility to be entirely on them and for everyone else to see it. I have to iterate again that this is all incredibly stressful, and is making us both very upset. All we want is to be happy, and we want our families to be happy but my parents seem to be actively working to sabotage my wedding for some reason that doesn't seem to have my best interest or my bride to be's best interests at heart.
We're stuck....sad....upset...frustrated...angry....
what would you do?
TL:DR - Mother is being a psycho and trying to stop our wedding with no discernible reason for such action. WWYD?
Source.
OK this might be a long one but bear with me.
Ages and genders - Me 34/m, fiancee 33/m, my mother 71/f (obv), my father 64/m, my brother 35/m, my best man 33/m
I met my fiancee 18 months ago and we got on great, I ended up moving in and we've lived together for most of that time.
We announced some time last year that we'd like to get married, got engaged and the wedding is set for 25th September. Everything was going great, besides a couple of occasions where my fiancee said my mother had been bringing up my ex and being ever so slightly frosty with her - stuff i didn't notice but apparently is quite apparent to women who pick up on more subtle signals (I genuinely hadn't noticed any problems)
Of course, being quite family orientated whenever my family was attacked i felt hurt and defended them, not seeing the problems. It all came to a head last weekend when my fiancee said i had to confront my parents and have her back or we were going to have problems. We sorted this out and we did a lot of talking about all the various aspects of it - and I told my parents that some of the behaviours my mum had displayed were not cricket and she needed to be aware of them and how they had hurt my fiancee.
Now my view on this is that perhaps one party didnt realise they were being hurtful, perhaps the other party was too sensitive, perhaps it was blown out of proportion - whatever, that's not for me to decide...but if somebody feels hurt, you say "I'm so sorry I didn't realise what I said had hurt you, I never meant for that to happen - lets talk about it so I can make sure I don't hurt your feelings in future" - sensible adult discussion, right?
Nope!
I suggested to my parents and my fiancee that we all meet up to discuss the situation and air feelings and everyone can move forward on a positive step - they may not have agreed, they may not have liked it, but its only fair to hear somebody out and for both sides to accept any criticisms with good grace and to apologize where appropriate, or agree to disagree and move on constructively.
What happened instead, was my mother called my fiancee and tried to corner her when she wasnt ready to talk, and ended up gaslighting her and getting quite aggressive on the phonecall, saying that she was being a silly girl and it was all in her head and essentially belittling her feelings - precisely by the way what I advised her NOT to do. My fiancee came off the phone in tears and I had heard the whole thing from start to finish - my fiancee had completely kept her cool, and had simply stated which things were upsetting her, what incidents and why. My mother just tried to bait her into saying something offensive or abusive, we don't know why....fiancee had to end the call because she was getting nowhere.
Next thing to happen was my father sent me a text message that evening demanding i drop everything to meet him to discuss. I said i was busy and didnt react. My initial reaction was "you expect me to leave my fiancee at home in tears to come discuss how to fix your wife (my mother) ??? Are you nuts?!"
since then, nothing has been said except one clipped exchange of emails about an unrelated matter, until last night when I had a call from my Best Man who said he had been sent a message via a third party to call my mother, which he did. Apparently he was told "we cant let him marry her, we need to stop the wedding" to which he quite rightly replied that it's not his or their place to have any involvement in whether I get married or who I get married to. He of course told me right away.
I'm now here with an understandably extremely angry fiancee, im very upset about the way this is being handled and dealt with - its so childish, why not just be an adult?
We offered to meet up with them prior to all of this but we were told "no we wont go out to eat because we'll be expected to pick up the bill" and insisted we go to their house, which is hardly neutral ground and I'd already told them my SO doesnt feel happy or comfortable there, which on some level is also understandable as for a time I had stayed there with my ex - I would feel the same in her shoes!
So now we have had to contact our venue to put passwords on everything and we have to email our entire guest list (luckily its a very small wedding) to make sure she hasn't gone around trying to cancel the whole thing.
I'm extremely upset as I always thought that my wedding day would be a time when my parents would be happy for me no matter what my choices were, even if they were bad choices. I thought they would support me no matter what, and behave with grace and respect, but I'm not getting that respect and nor is my fiancee. To check we're not going absolutely crazy and it's not something we've done wrong (always an element of doubt) i checked with my Best Man, my Brother, and my future MIL to get their views, and they all agree that Mum has gone off the map nuts and my Dad is enabling her behaviour.
We're really concerned she's going to show up to our wedding and cause a scene and be a nuisance and ruin our day. We don't want to rescind their invite because we want to retain the moral high ground in this situation and ensure that no matter what happens we can't be accused of any pettiness or retaliation - if it kicks off, we want the responsibility to be entirely on them and for everyone else to see it. I have to iterate again that this is all incredibly stressful, and is making us both very upset. All we want is to be happy, and we want our families to be happy but my parents seem to be actively working to sabotage my wedding for some reason that doesn't seem to have my best interest or my bride to be's best interests at heart.
We're stuck....sad....upset...frustrated...angry....
what would you do?
TL:DR - Mother is being a psycho and trying to stop our wedding with no discernible reason for such action. WWYD?
Source.
(58 / M-F / Louisiana)What would I do? IDK, I don't have a trashy family...
(49 / F-MF / Tennessee)"ensure that no matter what happens we can't be accused of any pettiness or retaliation - if it kicks off, we want the responsibility to be entirely on them and for everyone else to see it."
Yes, that right there would be my biggest concern too. Don't want to be petty. Smh
Yes, that right there would be my biggest concern too. Don't want to be petty. Smh
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