The last year (just about) has been quite a ride. Not always pleasant, and often rocky, it has opened my eyes in ways I never could have imagined...


Around this time last year I was a broken soul. My world had fallen apart and my whole life had become a grim macabre of what I thought it to be. In the span of a few hours, my entire existence came crumbling down around me, and I was left holding myself together by a thin, thin thread. I tried as hard as I could to maintain, and to power through. Sooner, rather than later, that thread broke. I completely and utterly fell to pieces. For almost a month I didn't eat or sleep. I was a zombie, a shell of the person I had been just weeks before. I was lost in the dark and had no idea how to find the light again. And then, I was hospitalized. I spent a week there, clinging to life. The scariest part was that I was not clinging for myself... I had no desire left inside me to be a part of the pain anymore. I clung so desperately because of the people I love. I could not, would not let them see me give up on the life that they had helped to me to build. And so, I finally began fighting. I fought tooth and nail to come back to the people that meant more to me than an escape from the pain.
The night that I returned home was not an easy one. It had been less difficult in the sterile hospital room to forget what had caused me to stop fighting in the first place. However, walking into my house set off a million clanging alarm bells in my head. Everywhere I turned was a memory, a picture, a living breathing reminder of what it was that I had lost. That night was the last night that I allowed myself to get lost in the tears. That's not to say I never cried for it again, only that I never again let the tears and the pain control me.
The next morning I began a journey. A trip within myself, to find who it was that I had lost along the way. I promised myself that I would not be one of those girls that can't be alone. I had been single before, and perfectly content. I could do it again. So I swore to myself that I would spend the next year as a single woman. It was hard at first to keep that promise. I was lonely, and had become accustomed to being half of a whole. I didn't sleep more then 3 hours a night, and even then I only slept on the couch. Everyday the battle got easier. After about a month I made the decision that I was going to start sleeping in MY bed again. And I did. Baby steps, right? I started celebrating every little milestone I achieved, with enthusiasm. Reaching the next goal was all that kept me going.
Now, it's just about a year later. The changes that I see within myself are truly astonishing. Today I stand (well, sit) before you an entirely new person. For the first time in my life... I feel like me. Not the me that I wish I was, or the me that others wish me to be. I am 100% me. My year of single-dom is almost over and to be honest I have no desire to change it. I'm enjoying being single for the first time in my life!!! I love having time to get lost in my head, and to wander aimlessly, with no one to answer to. I adore the ability to make decisions on my own, without having to deffer to anyone. Sure, I miss having someone to hold me at night... But that's a small price to pay for everything I have achieved this year.
I finally have a healthy understanding of what it means to be a part of a couple. It's not about being 2 halves of a whole. It's about being 2 whole beings coming together and forming a completely separate entity. Neither of you should NEED the other in order to feel whole. You need to be a whole person before you can be an addition to someone else. I once thought that having a man in my life somehow made me complete. I now realize that I am complete and I don't need anyone else to make that happen. It's not healthy to spend every waking moment with your partner. People need their own space and they need their own time. I need to go out with my girls, get white-girl wasted and laugh my ass off without fretting about what my partner is doing. I need to be able to wake up in the morning and decide what I want to do with my day, without worrying about being responsible for someone else. And a small word of warning to you: If your gut tells you not to trust them? DON'T! Always follow your instincts. One awesome side effect of being single for an extended period of time? I am now more aware of what I want in a guy and what I am unwilling to accept.
Let's face it guys... 24 is WAAAAAAY too young to get married. I can not begin to tell you how RIDICULOUSLY happy I am that I dodged that bullet. I'll get married one day. Maybe when I'm 35 or so lol. And I'll never again settle for less than I deserve. I can't even begin to tell you how proud I am of myself. Not just for how far I've come but for having the strength to change in the first place. I am nowhere near the person I used to be, today. I am someone that I never thought I'd be... I am me. And for the first time in my life, I am content.

Thanks LaDawn!!! :D I'm pretty damn proud of myself!

You SHOULD be!!!

@IrishLove1988: thank you for sharing a part of your story my dear friend, you know that i am behind whatever you do 100 percent of the way, i am glad you fought and won against what must of been a hard experiance for you. And you've inspired me to try harder, ive had possibly the most dramatic 2 years in my life, but i know that with my friends giving me strength then i have nothing to fear. And i want you to know that i can give you strength too as your friend.

@LaDawn: I never used to be. This past year has taught me many lessons that I never knew I needed to learn.
@James: It was the hardest thing I've had to go through, as of now. I am thankful for it, to be honest. If it weren't for that experience I never would have found out who I truly am. Thanks, so much for the support!! PS: That is the cutest emoti that I have ever seen lol